Alas, The Pirate Show is No More...
Well, what took about 9 Months to record, edit, post, compile and what-have-you took only 10 Minutes to take down. It would have only taken 10 seconds, but stupid blogger doesn't have a "delete all" or "delete selected posts" function. So I had the pleasure of deleting all posts one by one. The Pirate Show (officially known as "Eric V and the Pirates") is now a memory.... and a gaping hole on my blog. We have the shows archived on CD-R, and I'll be burning them down to 1 DVD-R to consolidate everything. If you are seriously interested in obtaining the entire Pirate Show Series, let me know and we'll work something out.
At this point, I am unsure of my podcasting future.... not that there are many of you who give a tiny rat's butt one way or the other. After podcasting on a show with 3 other people who can carry the conversation and fill the voids in silence, it makes it exponentially harder to motivate myself to record on my own. Nevertheless, I will figure something out and post the results.
Until then, I will leave you with the wisdom that came to fruition during the life of Eric V and The Pirates:
Points of Wisdom:
Old cliches are so outdated. It's time they get an Extreme Makeover: Cliche Edition. Some of the new cliches should include such gems as:
· When the fish is in the bucket, you know it.
· The gravy’s always lumpier when YOU make it.
· It’s a taco, not a hat. Just eat your food and quit trying to wear it. You’re embarrassing us and everyone is looking at you. Yes, you have to eat…
What if, instead of the Super Bowl, someone got confused and it was supposed to be the Superb Owl... and now, instead of a really awesome bird of prey that can turn its head like 358 degrees, we ended up with a football game that can't turn its head in any direction...
All I'm saying is, if you can't have your cake and eat it too, what's the point of spending the money to just stare at it? Either eat the cake or don't buy it.
If you have the Guinness Book of World Records's tallest man living in your country and you find yourself employing him to use his giant arms to reach down into the stomachs of dolphins who have swallowed plastic pieces from the sides of the tank they are in just so they won't die, you are not properly utilizing your resources. At least make the man pick fruit from tall trees, I mean, come on.
If I was a baker, I'd create a food I would call "Stocking Stuffing." It would be much like the stuffing you put into a turkey at Thanksgiving, but with this stuffing you would fill children's Christmas stockings. Then, on Christmas morning, when the children run downstairs and reach their arms deep inside of their stockings, they would be shocked to pull out handfuls of delicious, edible "Stocking Stuffing."
Sure, when someone involved in Voodoo dismembers a person and hides the body parts in various kitchen appliances it's considered questionable. But when a normal person does it, it's considered sick and wrong. Society and their double standards...
Regardless of the large, round opening at the top giving you the impression that it could be used as such, the trashcan is not a toilet. Be advised.
You can't just go changing the sizes of school buses at random. I was driving to work today and saw a mid-sized school bus. How can you do that to us? There are countless jokes that rely specifically on the shortness of a particular bus. When you throw this newfangled mid-sized bus into the mix, the future result could be catastrophic. "Yeah, well you go to school on the short bus..." Now, when you say "short bus," do you mean the new mid-sized bus? It throws everything off. To be grammatically correct, it now has to read "Yeah, well you ride the shortest bus to school." Man, this new mid-sized school bus sucks.
The point of the fair is for you to scope out the mullets and to eat anything that is deep fried. Do not try to make it any more complex than that.
The show "My Two Dads" was just a concept... You don't really have to carry that out into reality...
I always see flags and t-shirts that say "Don't Tread On Me." What are the flags and t-shirts complaining about? You don't see any doormats or carpet carrying that slogan and they get walked on all day. I think the flags and t-shirts need to shut up, or at least come up with an original slogan.... like "Don't Burn Me," or "Don't Wash Me," or "Don't Wipe With Me..."
When someone starts rubbing their fingers together and says "Do you hear that? That's the world's smallest violin, and it's playing for you..." I like the idea of having the world's smallest bat, and pulling it out and beating them with it.
Sure I feel threatened by you... you're holding a knife. I, on the other hand, am holding a spatula. Do you fear the spatula? Should you fear the spatula? No. And that is why I will defeat you... because no one lends credit to the deadly spatula.
If the sign says "deer crossing," I'm not yielding for any creature other than a deer... be warned.
If I had a gun for every time someone made a stupid comment, there would be a lot more dead stupid people.
Regardless of who you are or what you do, if you've got necrotizing fasciitis... you've got the funky leg rot.
Parents don't honestly believe that when their kid makes a face it will freeze that way, they just tell them to stop because they're jealous.
If at first you don't succeed...quit. Unless of course you have a great job, cool car, hot spouse, sweet house... only then is it worth try, trying again.
Tis better to give than to receive a beating from a drunken pirate...
Pirates had beards for a reason. They weren't just chin ornaments...
As the old saying goes; if you slide on the Slip-N-Slide with your pants down, you're going to get the grass rash.
A wise man can sit and ponder the most complex problems of our generation and be at peace. A moron can grab a yellow highlighter, color his body until completely covered and proclaim: "Look! I have jaundice!"
What kind of message is that "Whack-A-Mole" game sending out? Next time i'm in the yard and i see a mole pop his head up, i'm going to look for the nearest mallet so i can bop it over the head with the expectation of winning a prize.
· When the fish is in the bucket, you know it.
· The gravy’s always lumpier when YOU make it.
· It’s a taco, not a hat. Just eat your food and quit trying to wear it. You’re embarrassing us and everyone is looking at you. Yes, you have to eat…
What if, instead of the Super Bowl, someone got confused and it was supposed to be the Superb Owl... and now, instead of a really awesome bird of prey that can turn its head like 358 degrees, we ended up with a football game that can't turn its head in any direction...
All I'm saying is, if you can't have your cake and eat it too, what's the point of spending the money to just stare at it? Either eat the cake or don't buy it.
If you have the Guinness Book of World Records's tallest man living in your country and you find yourself employing him to use his giant arms to reach down into the stomachs of dolphins who have swallowed plastic pieces from the sides of the tank they are in just so they won't die, you are not properly utilizing your resources. At least make the man pick fruit from tall trees, I mean, come on.
If I was a baker, I'd create a food I would call "Stocking Stuffing." It would be much like the stuffing you put into a turkey at Thanksgiving, but with this stuffing you would fill children's Christmas stockings. Then, on Christmas morning, when the children run downstairs and reach their arms deep inside of their stockings, they would be shocked to pull out handfuls of delicious, edible "Stocking Stuffing."
Sure, when someone involved in Voodoo dismembers a person and hides the body parts in various kitchen appliances it's considered questionable. But when a normal person does it, it's considered sick and wrong. Society and their double standards...
Regardless of the large, round opening at the top giving you the impression that it could be used as such, the trashcan is not a toilet. Be advised.
You can't just go changing the sizes of school buses at random. I was driving to work today and saw a mid-sized school bus. How can you do that to us? There are countless jokes that rely specifically on the shortness of a particular bus. When you throw this newfangled mid-sized bus into the mix, the future result could be catastrophic. "Yeah, well you go to school on the short bus..." Now, when you say "short bus," do you mean the new mid-sized bus? It throws everything off. To be grammatically correct, it now has to read "Yeah, well you ride the shortest bus to school." Man, this new mid-sized school bus sucks.
The point of the fair is for you to scope out the mullets and to eat anything that is deep fried. Do not try to make it any more complex than that.
The show "My Two Dads" was just a concept... You don't really have to carry that out into reality...
I always see flags and t-shirts that say "Don't Tread On Me." What are the flags and t-shirts complaining about? You don't see any doormats or carpet carrying that slogan and they get walked on all day. I think the flags and t-shirts need to shut up, or at least come up with an original slogan.... like "Don't Burn Me," or "Don't Wash Me," or "Don't Wipe With Me..."
When someone starts rubbing their fingers together and says "Do you hear that? That's the world's smallest violin, and it's playing for you..." I like the idea of having the world's smallest bat, and pulling it out and beating them with it.
Sure I feel threatened by you... you're holding a knife. I, on the other hand, am holding a spatula. Do you fear the spatula? Should you fear the spatula? No. And that is why I will defeat you... because no one lends credit to the deadly spatula.
If the sign says "deer crossing," I'm not yielding for any creature other than a deer... be warned.
If I had a gun for every time someone made a stupid comment, there would be a lot more dead stupid people.
Regardless of who you are or what you do, if you've got necrotizing fasciitis... you've got the funky leg rot.
Parents don't honestly believe that when their kid makes a face it will freeze that way, they just tell them to stop because they're jealous.
If at first you don't succeed...quit. Unless of course you have a great job, cool car, hot spouse, sweet house... only then is it worth try, trying again.
Tis better to give than to receive a beating from a drunken pirate...
Pirates had beards for a reason. They weren't just chin ornaments...
As the old saying goes; if you slide on the Slip-N-Slide with your pants down, you're going to get the grass rash.
A wise man can sit and ponder the most complex problems of our generation and be at peace. A moron can grab a yellow highlighter, color his body until completely covered and proclaim: "Look! I have jaundice!"
What kind of message is that "Whack-A-Mole" game sending out? Next time i'm in the yard and i see a mole pop his head up, i'm going to look for the nearest mallet so i can bop it over the head with the expectation of winning a prize.
You can lead a pirate to water, but if you try to make him drink, he'll probably kill you.
posted by Ethan @ 10:27 AM
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